Happy Heart Day

Guess who's back?  Back again. Adventures are back. Tell a friend.

I won't get into the boring details of where I have been for the past 23098423094 months. Apparently I need to work on my consistency. Or something.

 Here is what has been going on in my world!

A Valentine's themed story. I have a Bible study that meets weekly. Each week we potluck enough food to feed all the families. It is good times for all. I don't plan the meals I just sign up for stuff. And don't tell anyone, but sometimes I just sign up for stuff that is easy for this lil' housewife. If is a choice between making some sort of fabulous dish and buying that same "fabulous" dish at the store, guess which one I choose? But every once in a while the wonderful woman who creates all the menus likes to spice it up and theme our dinners. Last week was Valentine's Day themed. Themed dinners do one of two things for me. 1) I have some extra time on my hands and therefore get excited to start planning for and making something theme wonderful! or 2) I get totally stressed out and it is all I think about and I can't stop until I figure something amazing out and I fall flat on my face. Last week was that for me.  In my brilliance, I decided that if I could buy a heart-shaped cookie cutter I could fake my adorable housewifeyness by making cheese quesadillas and have them be heart-shaped! Yay LOVE!

Problem #1. Heart-Shaped Cookie Cutter.
I don't know why it was ridiculously impossible for me to find a heart-shaped cookie cutter one week before Valentine's Day. My whole plan was riding on this ONE thing. But after searching at two or three different stores, including Target of all places, I had to compromise with one of those weird plastic containers where the two pieces fit together, thinking it would have to be the next best thing.   After next Tuesday, all of the retailers will have an evil laugh as they bring everything heart-shaped out of hiding, including that stupid cookie cutter, and try and mask their evilness with a half off sale sign. Jerks. 

Problem #2. Size.
So, I bought these giant tortillas and a whole bunch of cheese. My thought was that the medium sizeish weird plasticy kind of heart-shaped cookie cutter I bought could easily get 3-4 fun heart-shaped quesadillas out of each of the tortillas. This idea was "no bueno" once I attempted my first one. I quickly learned that I could only really get approximately 1.75 heart-shaped quesadillas out of the deal. Also, I was left with a lot of weird shaped extra quesadillas bits. What to do?  I know! I know! I will just cut them myself! *Insert emoticon of freaked out little dude with straight lips.* Worst Idea Ever.  Aftermath:

 All I can hear is that creepy "RI RI RI" music from the movie Psycho.

And if you not convinced of my heart-shaped FAIL here is a nice side-by-side comparison of what a heart should look like and what my hearts looked like:

So in conclusion-Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Don't have nightmares about my creepy Tim Burton movie inspired hearts. People ate them I swear.

Side Note- I have discovered and started stealing craft ideas from Pinterest. Pinterest is my new obesession. I don't go on the site unless i have at least 2 hours to kill.

Isn't it cute and happy?!? It is an olive oil bottle that I wrote the word JOY with hot glue and then spray painted white. LOVE IT. For realz.

And the winner is.....Houseguest! (aka Mom)

Last weekend was my birthday-yay me! Side note: I have been doing this blog for over a year! Can you believe it....*sigh* It was over a year ago since this---> Click here! 

 I have come so far....or ... have I?

So anyway, it was my birthday and my mom came out to visit me for a few days. I tried desperately to be ready for her. I had lists people! House cleaning lists, grocery lists, activity lists and a list of new recipes to try! Then, life happened. And by the time it was practically game time (night before my mom arrived) my lists had turned into something more like What Are The Absolute Bare Minimum Items I Need to Accomplish In Order To Trick My Houseguest Into Thinking I Was Totally 100% Prepared For Her Arrival List. So here is what happened

Day 1-I still had to work this day so my mom was left to bask in the Arizona sun. Rough life I know. As I was scrambling to get ready for work  leisurely preparing for my work day I pulled out some frozen tilapia from the freezer and placed in the microwave to defrost for the day. In that moment I realized that I hadn't cleaned to microwave since we moved into our new apartment last July. THE HORROR!!! I frantically thought to myself, "Maybe she won't notice that it looks like someone died in there...." Right? When I got home from work that day my mom prances over to the kitchen, so excited to show me something. "Look what I did!". She opens the microwave like friggin' Vanna White. Her words, "Kels, it looked like someone died in there."

Houseguest-1   Host-0.

Day 2- I was showering and getting ready for our fun packed day of....well....that activity list wasn't exactly complete, so we didn't have much of a plan. Anyways, I was getting ready. Since we are amazing puppy parents we have trained Charlie to sit/lay nicely on our bed as we get ready. It is awesome. But this particular day I put him on the bed as per usual and when I got out of the shower he wasn't on the bed. Our door was shut so there was only so many places he could have been. I start calling for him and I hear his little collar jingling under the bed. So, towel and all, I get down to look under the bed. I see no puppy. I hear puppy but I see no puppy. It takes me a minute to realize that my puppy had created a hole UNDERNEATH OUR BOX SPRING MATTRESS and is UP IN the box spring ... just hanging out. The puppy mom in me starts freaking out. Still in my towel mind you I come running out of my bedroom, "OMG, MOOOOMMM he is STUCK in the mattress..bbbblllaaaa what do I do!" I of course though he was suffocating or something in there. He is going to ddddiiiiieeeeee. My mom is like,"Oh, this is no big deal, he totally did this yesterday. All you do is like maneuver him out...like this!" She gets down on all fours,  crawls under my bed and practically climbs up into my BOX SPRING to get Charlie out. "See, he is fine!"

ughh.

Houseguest-2   Host-0.


Day 3- Remember when I told you I had a list of new recipes! This is something I actually accomplished...kind of! yay! New recipe of the day-Taco Pizza. Had I been really domestic, I would have fixed up homemade whole wheat pizza dough. Instead, I bought Pillsbury pizza dough in a tube! Healthy I know. On the tube it told me to flatten out the dough. Simple enough. So I start kneading and pressing and pushing and shoving and violently pounding and WHY WON'T YOU FLATTEN. WHIIIINNNE. I could not get it to flatten out! I would push and press and it would flatten then slowly and slyly unflatten. Argh. What do I have in my kitchen drawer o' greatness to solve this. Then natural answer would be a rolling pin.

I don't have a rolling pin...hmmmmm....what is this!? A meat tenderizer. Perfect.

So move into a corner of the kitchen where no one can see me and I start POUNDING AWAY. My mom notices right away. "What are you doing!"She said laughing. "Here let me handle this part".  And voila-pizza pie!

Houseguest-3   Host-0.

Wait. It was delightful and I made it!.....Houseguest-3   Host- 1/2.


However, I did get one full point during the weekend. I promised my mom I wouldn't post this so don't tell her. Ever since I started volunteering with Wyldlife (see this post Wyldlife! ), I have picked up a number of phrases that middle schoolers frequently say. I never realized it was a foreign language until this. Or that I was turning into one of them.  One such phrase, "Oooohhhhhh snap!" Translation-daaaaannng chica, or in your face, or I am totally awesome.

We were driving in the car and my mom quizzically asks me, "What does snap mean?" I was confused for a moment then she said, "Ever since I arrived you have been saying, 'Oh snap.'" All I could do was laugh and tell her she would have to be 12 and totally awesome to understand. Obviously.

Don't worry mom the final score is still Houseguest-3   Host- 1 and 1/2.

You rock.

Turkey Day

I know it is totally niave of me to think (perhaps even totally ridiculous!) that you have all been waiting and waiting for a new post from me. I am like the boy that hasn't called you back since......hmmm...haven't posted since September. It would appear that I am just not that into you.

But appearance are deceiving internet! I have been thinking about you alot! So today I said, "Dear Life, I don't care how you are busy with other things. I am going to write a blog on my lunch break whether you like it or not. Love, ME."

So, Thanksgiving.

My story begins about 2 weeks ago. When I realized, "Hey, I am cooking my very first Thanksgiving all by myself for like 6 whole people this year. I should probably get on buying a turkey." Translation: Husband, go pick out a turkey while I shop for other fun things because I am avoiding the fact that I HAVE TO COOK THANKSGIVING DINNER THIS YEAR. Result: 21lbs turkey, curtosey my husband's ability to shop with his eyes and stomach only. GIANT.

Fast forward to the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Oh hey, big giant turkey. I should probably start thawing you out now because you are ONLY 21lbs and I probably should have started a week ago.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. Oh hey, big giant turkey. WHY ARE YOU DEFROSTED ALREADY? ISN'T THAT SUPPOSED TO TAKE FOREVER! Oh yea, and thanks for the turkey blood all over my fridge. Lucky for you I didn't have anything important on that shelf. I will get you back...just wait until THURSDAY.



So Thanksgiving finally roles around. I have been terrified all week mind you. Conjuring up plan B, C, and D because the turkey defrosted too early and therefore DINNER WAS RUINED.

But thanks it large part to Mrs. AMAZING MEYERS dinner went off without a hitch. Better than that....it was delightful, moist, carby dinner yummyness. And Mrs. AMAZING MEYERS did pretty much everything. Turkey - delicious thanks to her stuffing knowledge. Cannied yams - amazing thanks to her knowledge of ol' family recipes (BUTTER). Cranberry Sauce-unreal thanks to her knowledge of knowing how to make freakin cranberry sauce. From SCRATCH (that means our cranberry sauce did NOT look like the can it came out of! Cause it didn't come out of a can!). I am all kinds of jealous of her knowledge, but greatful I did not have to resort to plan B, C or D (Hello Boston Market? Is it too late to order a whole dinner 3pm on Thanksgiving day?).

                                                   

But! I did accomplish something myself!

It is called Turtle Pumpkin Pie. Aka cheaters pumpkin pie because there is no baking involved!

All you need:

Pre-made graham cracker crust

Vanilla instant jello pudding

Pre-made pumpkin puree

CARMAL SAUCE....nom nom nom

A little of this and a little of that (cause a gourmet chef NEVER gives away her secrets ...hehe)

and INSTANT PIE

So all in all : Thanksgiving just got OWNED. Housewife adventures style.

All The Right Numbers

Hello Internet. I have missed you. I wish I could tell you that I was out doing amazing things without you but you know that I would be lying. I was in fact, doing the opposite of amazing. I was preoccupied with that eevvvviiilll four letter word- W.O.R.K.

My numbers have been off for weeks people!

-50 ish hours work weeks

-100ish versions of the same spreadsheet

-6 ish hours of sleep a night

-Hundreds ish of miles driven

In my perfect dream world of regular work days these things are not normal.

But, all was not lost on me.

First, here is proof ...actual physical PROOF...that there are others like me out there:

Let me explain. It comes with perfectly proportioned adorable mini packages of spices. It has a CHECKLIST on the back of everything you need to complete the meal. It is a perfect packet from kitchen heaven that tells me how to make dinner--delicious nummmy dinner.

Here are the numbers I needed to become gourmet chef**** for the night:

--1 tablespoon olive oil- ah ha! I have this

--6 chicken breasts-amazing! I have like 8 of these

--red potatoes-$.50 for 5 of them!!

--fun packety thing of spices--check!

****Let me mention that a large percentage of my personal definition of being a "gourmet chef" is a) do I have to go shopping for ANOTHER random ingredient that I don't have readily available? Cause if I don't- gourmet chef!

and/or b) If I do have to go shopping, can I spend under 2$ to get what I need? If so-gourmet chef!

Believe it our not I have had all the right numbers throughout the weeks--in the kitchen.

Crock pot Craziness

Here's the thing : I don't know things. By things I mean basic kitcheny, crafty, martha stewarty, foody, "things I learned from my mama" knowledge is not my strength. I attempt much, fail often and have the occasional domestic freak out.

Exhibit A-Lester, the WHOLE CHICKEN crock pot dinner for tomorrow

First, I named him because while I was cleaning him in the sink it was like holding a pound o' child. So, he deserved a name.

Challenge number 1-Onions!

Freakin onions. I don't know how to cut and/or chop onions. Like at all. Tonight, my recipe called for one chopped onion. Normal is knowing this task has to be done with care, because onions will cause a few tears. One chopped onion for me meant-one chopped onion and 4 "OMG(osh) my eyes are going to burn out of my face!" sessions. I don't think this is normal.

Challenge number 2 (and unfortunately, this happens ALL.THE.TIME.)-it's not in the recipe...what do I do!

Occasionally, I like to think I am domesticated enough to wander from the recipe (*gasp*). However, whenever I do this the natural result is to have at least one mini freak out because I don't actually know what I am doing! The recipe tonight was a basic chicken spice rub. I also happen to have a ton of left over carrots from a Costco size veggie tray I bought for a bbq of 4 whole people....yea...i know.... Anyway, my brilliant idea was to use massive amounts of left over carrots in said Lester dish. Thus, my resulting mini freak out: I don't know if these carrots are going to last the 8-10 hours of straight up roasting. Do I leave the carrots in trusting they will turn out similar to yummy roast-ish carrots? What if they melt into mushy gushy grossness? What if they ruin my dinner!? AAHHHH.

Here's to adventuring!